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A New Funnies Thread


grumpydaddy

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I was standing in the queue for quite a while in our local shop until it was my turn to be served. The young girl said "sorry about the wait".... I said "Have you tried eating less?"

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

'Where's my toast?'

I also do 

https://join.worldcommunitygrid.org?recruiterId=596475 Letting the idle processors on phone and PC help humanity

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/vesuvius/ Even though I have a lever

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God said to Noah "I want you to build another Ark... but this time, I want a really big one; huge; massive; twenty stories high". "But I don't want any animals - just fish. And not any old fish, only Carp".

 

And Noah said "J-just a minute, you want me to build...

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(wait for it)

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a twenty-storey CARP-ARK?"

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An engaged woman, a married woman, and a mistress decide that one night they're going to wear S&M-style leather, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes, and see what happens with their partners.

When they meet a few days later, the engaged woman says, "Last night, when my boyfriend came home, I was wearing the leather, the stilettos, and the mask, he said, 'Wow...you're incredible. I love you,' and we made love all night long."

The mistress says, "Last night, when we met in his office, I was wearing leather, stilettos, a mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. He just grabbed me and we had wild sex all night."

The married woman says, "Last night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, and then got myself into the leather, the stilettos, and the mask. My husband walked in from work, grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

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Nelson Mandela is enjoying his retirement and sitting out on his shaded porch

 

A large truck of car parts pulls up at the gate and a small Chinese guy gets out, walks up the path with his clipboard and says "You sain, you sain."

 

Mandela, somewhat taken aback, refuses and says to driver "This is not for me." The driver leaves

 

The following day the same little Chinese guy turns up and again walks up the path with his clipboard and says "You sain, you sain."

 

Mandela is getting a bit miffed with this. Again he refuses and says to driver "This is not for me. You are in the wrong place" The driver leaves

 

On the third day the same little Chinese guy turns up and again walks up the path with his clipboard and again says "You sain, you sain."

 

This time Mandela walks with the driver to the truck opens the back and, just as he expected, it is full of exhausts and various wheels and car parts so he turns to the Chinese guy and says "What on earth do you think I want all of this for? It is not for me."

 

The Chinese guy turns and says "Wha...... You are not Nissan Man Deela ???

I also do 

https://join.worldcommunitygrid.org?recruiterId=596475 Letting the idle processors on phone and PC help humanity

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/vesuvius/ Even though I have a lever

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Man goes to the doctors and says, doc, you have to help me. My wife has left me with three kids, I have lost my job, I am being evicted and to top all that, I have this over riding need to be a farmer.

I can help you with that says the doc. Stand on the table, close your eyes and drop your trousers.

When he has done this the doc punches him as hard as he can in the little lunchbox.

As the man picks himself up from the floor, he says thanks doc, but how is that going to help me?

Easy, I have started you off with a couple of achers!

Lets All Laugh At T C...........29 and counting

 

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Man goes to the doctors and says, doc, you have to help me. My wife has left me with three kids, I have lost my job, I am being evicted and to top all that, I have this over riding need to be a farmer.

I can help you with that says the doc. Stand on the table, close your eyes and drop your trousers.

When he has done this the doc punches him as hard as he can in the little lunchbox.

As the man picks himself up from the floor, he says thanks doc, but how is that going to help me?

Easy, I have started you off with a couple of achers!

 

That joke is just Boll***s....................

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A motorist had left his keys in his car and was locked out.

A passerby, noticing his perplexed look, told him not to worry and that he would have his doors open in no time.

At first thankful the motorist was then bemused as the passerby began to rub his bottom up and down the drivers door. But then he was amazed as the locks sprang open.

When asked how on earth he had managed to do it the passerby stated it was because he was wearing khaki trousers.

I also do 

https://join.worldcommunitygrid.org?recruiterId=596475 Letting the idle processors on phone and PC help humanity

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/vesuvius/ Even though I have a lever

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Breaking news.

Agriculturists, today announced that they have propagated a new variety of potatoes to rival the premium types like "King Edward" and "Maris Piper".

The new variety is to be called "John Motson".

However, critics have already hit out and have stated that this new variety is not really that special and that they are nothing more than a commontater.

Edited by grumpydaddy

I also do 

https://join.worldcommunitygrid.org?recruiterId=596475 Letting the idle processors on phone and PC help humanity

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/vesuvius/ Even though I have a lever

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I went to the doctor's with a hearing problem

 

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

 

I said "Well, Homer is a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

I also do 

https://join.worldcommunitygrid.org?recruiterId=596475 Letting the idle processors on phone and PC help humanity

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/vesuvius/ Even though I have a lever

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