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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

 

"I'm not happy." He said.

 

"Oh! Well which one are you then? I replied.

 

 

Edit: I'm so going to hell!


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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Chap walks into a pub, sits at the bar and asks the barman for a pint. As the barman pulls the pint he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box. From the box he takes a small piano, a stool and a thimble.

 

He puts the thimble on the piano just as the barman delivers his pint. Cheers he says and tips a little bitter from his glass into the thimble. The barman is fascinated.

 

The chap takes a sip from his pint, then reaches into his bag and pulls out another box. He opens the box and out steps a small man dressed in white tie and tails. The tiny man nods politely at both the barman and the chap, takes his place on the piano stool, takes a sip from the thimble of beer, and starts to play... beautifully.

 

The barman can contain himself no longer. 'That's incredible mate. Where did you get him from?'

 

'Humph!' Says the chap. 'Well I found this lamp, rubbed it, made a wish and well, here he is.'

 

'Blimey!' Says the barman. I wish I had a lamp like that.

 

'You can have a go if you like' says the chap, and reaches back into his bag and produces said lamp.

 

The barman picks up the lamp reverently, studies it, then after a while he closes his eyes and rubs.

 

There's a flash and all of a sudden the pub is full to waist height with ducks. They are quacking, bickering, flapping and soiling everywhere. The bar is awash with ducks.

 

The barman vaults the bar and opens the pub doors. After about ten minutes of shouting and flapping his arms he gets all but a very few ducks out of the pub.

 

He returns to his place behind the bar and approaches the chap with the lamp. The chap has remained calm and immobile throughout the ordeal, just supping his pint and listening to the little man play.

 

'Hey!' Says the barman. 'I wished for a million bucks not a million bloody ducks!'

 

'Yeah.' Says the chap. 'You don't think I wished for a ten inch pianist do you?'


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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...

THE END

 

Enjoyed that. Ta. Works better in American where lever rhymes with ever, over here it rhymes with beaver.


Still rusting

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NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

 

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer

the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till

nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your

cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash

to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,

bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,

fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and

Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on

coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get

fed again.

 

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route

marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to

harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.

The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride

around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep

getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye

is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't

shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to

do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load

your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.

You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real

careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting

with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this

except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat

him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"

and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other

fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

Gail.

Edited by grumpydaddy

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.

 

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

 

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.

 

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

 

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

 

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply.

 

Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

 

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."

 

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

 

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

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Male beagle found 11:30 am on Tuesday 20th April on the corner of Acacia Ave and High St.

 

Approx 6 months old, mostly brown with patches of white and some black spots, has a slightly crooked tail

 

Blue collar but no tags.

 

Tasted like chicken.

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World's most masculine name announced:

It's is 'Guy Chapman'

As it's effectively 'Bloke Blokebloke'


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

The pilot!!!

 

 

Too soon?


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

The pilot!!!

 

 

Too soon?

 

You are Lord Bell and I claim my £5

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April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

'Tell me, April, who created the universe?'

 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

 

'GOD ALMIGHTY!' shouted April

'Very good' said the teacher, and April fell back asleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked April, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But, April didn't stir from her slumber so, once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin.

 

'JESUS CHRIST!' shouted April

'very good April' said the teacher, and April fell back to sleep.

 

Then the teacher asked April a third question.

'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,

'IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!'

 

The Teacher fainted.


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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Saw my blonde neighbour in the garden earlier. I popped my head over the fence and said, "Hi Sharon, where's your other half today?"

 

 

She thought for a moment .. Then pointed to her legs.


Input: 'Terranovered’ Versalab M3 + Mahlkonig EK43 Turkish burrs + Niche

Output: KVdW Speedster + V60 + AeroPress + Syphon + Bialetti Induction Moka Pot + Bialetti Mucka Express + jar of instant for visitors..

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Little Jonny is running round the supermarket, crying. the Manager stops him and say, 'whats the matter little boy?'. he says, I have lost me mum. Oh, said the manager, would you like me to help you find her then said the manager. Yes please said Jonny.

Whats she like said the manager

and Jonny, replies, big dicks and vodka/

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This one almost travels....

 

DEFINITION OF"SERVICE"

 

 

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" being used with these agencies:

 

 

1. Internal Revenue "Service".

2. U.S. Postal "Service".

3. Telephone "Service".

4. Cable TV "Service".

5. Civil "Service".

6. State, City, County and Public "Service".

7. Customer " Service".

 

 

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

 

 

But today I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

 

 

BAM !!! ........It all came into focus.

 

 

 

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

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Not sure when or where I first heard this but the timing seems right:

 

New element discovered

 

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally lasting about a second to take anywhere from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other bi-product is produced.

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This is what happens as we get older.

 

The barter system.

 

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.

 

I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.

 

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was

filling up her car at the next pump.

 

Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.

 

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

 

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

 

I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ....

 

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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Sunday Morning sex

 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

 

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse

in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

 

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

 

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

 

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

 

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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So since the election Ed Milliband, Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg have all resigned. The leaders are quitting left right and centre!


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for Stirling. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the cashier, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The cashier shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you whi peopal too!"

Edited by grumpydaddy

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Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today.

A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them,

the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted

'Thats the way to do it'!!:

 

 

Sorry


a grinder a lever and some beans

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Is that the Punch line?

I made that pun within tent.


Rocket R58Ceado E37SAeropressAerGrind • Puck Puck cold brew widget • VST 18g basket • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 convex black Ti/walnut tamper • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 flat sharp edge tamper • Big bag o' beans • Triumph Street Triple 675R

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God said to Noah "I want you to build another Ark. But this time, I want a really big one, - huge, - massive, - twenty storeys high! But I don't want any animals... just fish! And not any old fish, only CARP!"

 

And Noah said "J-j-j-ust a minute; you want me to build...

 

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

(scroll down)

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

(wait for it...)

 

 

.

 

 

A TWENTY STOREY CARP-ARK?" . . .:exit:


QM Verona with 0.5mm gicleur & IMS 200µm screen; Mazzers SJ & Royal with single-dose mods and precision adjustment dials by timmyjj21; naked PF; VSTs 15, 18, 20 & 22; Chinese Distribution Thing; Pergtamp & Torr XS convex; Brewista & other scales; Brita Pro Quell 1200; Gene Café 101A. Loadsa bits'n'pieces 'cos too much is never enough!

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