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I could not find what I was looking for so, although I may get into trouble for this, here it is..... A place to post that witticism, joke or absolute howler you heard recently (or maybe not so recently)

 

I guess I should mention that we need to be mindful of the forum rules before posting.

 

Let me start you off (poorly)

 

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

 

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

 

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

 

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

 

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

 

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

 

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

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I accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble tiles…I don’t know what to do.

 

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

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That joke was utter $#! T

which as the Hotmetalette will tell you, is exactly the kind that make me laugh the most.


Rocket R58Ceado E37SAeropressAerGrind • Puck Puck cold brew widget • VST 18g basket • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 convex black Ti/walnut tamper • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 flat sharp edge tamper • Big bag o' beans • Triumph Street Triple 675R

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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

"How did you make out?""

First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who is this Oscar Pistorius?" asked Pinocchio


There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Manic Obsession"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expobar Brewtus DB, Mazzer SJ, Sowden, V60, Aeropress and all sorts

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Currently enjoying LSOL

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The activity formerly known as “69” will henceforth be called “96”. This is due to the higher cost of eating out.…

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Making a big lunch for my old dear's birthday tomorrow. Loving this lemon tart recipe, keeps telling me to chill for 20 mins every couple of steps.

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Oscar Pistorius woke up this morning to find a burglar using his toilet.

There's irony for you…


Rocket R58Ceado E37SAeropressAerGrind • Puck Puck cold brew widget • VST 18g basket • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 convex black Ti/walnut tamper • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 flat sharp edge tamper • Big bag o' beans • Triumph Street Triple 675R

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This will make you laugh!

 

Not me, it makes me cringe: I actually had that machine before I joined the forum. :exit:


Rocket R58Ceado E37SAeropressAerGrind • Puck Puck cold brew widget • VST 18g basket • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 convex black Ti/walnut tamper • Torr Goldfinger 58.5 flat sharp edge tamper • Big bag o' beans • Triumph Street Triple 675R

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Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them.

Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't. Her arms aren't long enough........


There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Manic Obsession"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expobar Brewtus DB, Mazzer SJ, Sowden, V60, Aeropress and all sorts

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Currently enjoying LSOL

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Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into beb with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you've let your mummy down, but most of all....

 

Wait for it.....

 

You've let yourself down!

Edited by No big name!
Stupid autoerotic.....I mean autocorrect!

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Boots was having a sale on my favorite deodorant last week. I couldn’t find any on the shelves, so I asked the lady at the sales counter.

 

She said, “We have it; it’s here behind the counter. Would you like ball or aerosol type?”

 

I said, “No, thanks. I just want it for my underarms.”

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As the winter evenings are drawing in .... a little something (maybe more suited to the less temporally challenged) to peruse whilst sipping that brew:

 

Once upon a time there was a tribe of monkeys living deep in the jungle. They were a happy bunch and would all work together for the good of the tribe. They had been working especially hard of late in preparation for a great feast and celebration for one of the lady monkeys was going to have a baby monkey.

 

As the birth grew near the celebrations started. There was dancing and eating and drinking and much frivolity until the news spread quickly through the tribe that the baby monkey had been born…… But then all the monkeys were sad because, you see, they heard that the baby monkey could not bend his legs.

 

So, it came to pass that the monkeys gathered and there was much discussion about what to do until one of the grandma monkeys remembered that at the edge of the jungle there lived a witch doctor.

 

The monkeys were happy again because they all thought that the witch doctor would be able to mend the poor baby monkey’s legs

 

As a group, all of the fit and healthy monkeys started preparing for the long journey until, with the baby monkey carried on a very special bed of soft leaves they set out for the witch doctor’s house with the chief monkey at the head of the procession.

 

As they reached the edge of the village they passed the house of an old and wizened monkey who was outside sitting on his porch. “You do know that the witch doctor will need to be paid” he called out to the chief. They all stopped. They all looked at each other then they all looked at the chief….

 

“We must all go back to the village and search for some money” he said, so they all turned back and the search began. They looked high and low, in cupboards and in drawers, on shelves and in pots but there was no money to be found anywhere so once again there was great sadness.

 

As day turned to night with doom and gloom in their hearts and as they readied themselves for bed a shout was heard…..

 

“I found money, I found money, it was under grandad monkey’s mattress!”

 

A great cheer went up as the young monkey proudly went up to the chief monkey and presented him with a single shiny and new looking penny

 

All the monkeys were happy again because they could pay for the baby monkey’s legs to be mended by the witch doctor.

 

The next morning they set out for the witch doctor’s house and after walking for a day and a night and almost the whole of the next day they reached the witch doctor’s house and they all gathered round as the chief monkey approached the front door and knocked. The door opened and there appeared the witch doctor. With various bones sticking through his lips and his face painted he was a scary sight and all he monkeys that had gathered round jumped back in shock…… All except the chief monkey who stood his ground. “Who are you? What do you want?” Said the witch doctor.

 

“I am the chief of the monkeys” said the chief picking up the baby and holding him toward the witch doctor in the palm of one hand. Then, withdrawing the shiny new coin from his pocket with his other hand he said to the witch doctor….

 

“I was wondering, have you got two ha’pennies for a penny?”

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Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little f***ing ******s, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"


There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Manic Obsession"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expobar Brewtus DB, Mazzer SJ, Sowden, V60, Aeropress and all sorts

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Currently enjoying LSOL

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A 60 something year old woman is jumping up and down on the bed whooping and screeching, her husband says "do you know how silly you look" what is all this noise about?

The wife says Ive just been for my mammogram and the doctor says Ive the breasts of an 18 year old. The husband says " what about the 65 year old bum"?

 

Wife says your name was not mentioned:mad:

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It is December, so may I proffer the first(?) Christmas joke of the season.....

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

 

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.

 

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

 

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

 

The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’

 

And So The Season Begins …

Edited by grumpydaddy

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When you die, you don't know you are dead, you don't suffer, it is others around you that suffer.

 

same as when you are stupid.

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I'd like to thank Wonga for lending me a small amount of money to buy presents for my family this month.

 

I'll be forever indebted to them.

 

----

 

What do ISIS want for Christmas?

 

Turkey, apparently.

 

----

 

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

 

Such a pity it was a puppy


Espresso: Ceado E92 (modified for single dose); Vesuvius; VST baskets and refractometer.

Other: Aeropress, Sowden and Alessi Moka Pot; Mazzer Robur doser with Auber timer; Mazzer Mini E; Expobar Leva Dual Boiler

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If you have a fear of Father Christmas are you Claustrophobic?

 

If you have a chronic fear of giants, is that Feefiphobia

 

My wife won't get out of bed because she claims to have stasiphobia. .......I think she's just lying.

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Need a little excitement in your life?

 

Next time it is dustbin day try wrapping your rubbish like this:

 

95y1w0.jpg

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