Dear Cheepskate Customer,
Thank you for contacting the Milk-Pitchers-Door-To-Door-Delivery-Service.
Having checked our sales records I assume you are trying to contact our sister company, the Drive-Through-Embroidery-While-U-Wait-Service. However, on their behalf I think we can address your query. Having fully investigated your complaint we are happy to confirm that our Mystery Free Gift Thingy is only dished out to those discerning customers and other hangers-on who we feel sorry for.
We look forward to future custom from yourself. Maybe next time you could be a little less demanding.
Thank you very much.
Eva A Scrounger